In a society that values social harmony, many individuals inadvertently fall into the habit of people-pleasing. This behaviour, while seemingly benign, can have serious repercussions on our mental health.
Common Behaviours of People Pleasers
People pleasers often exhibit several telltale behaviours:
- Agreeing to Everything: They say “yes” to requests even when they don’t want to or don’t have the time.
- Avoiding Conflict: They go to great lengths to avoid disagreements or confrontations.
- Seeking Approval: They constantly seek validation and praise from others.
- Putting Others’ Needs First: They prioritize others’ needs above their own, often neglecting their own wellbeing.
- Apologizing Frequently: They apologize often, even when unnecessary.
- Difficulty Saying No: They struggle to decline requests or set boundaries.
- Changing Opinions: They might alter their opinions or behaviour to align with those around them.
The Impact of People-Pleasing
While the intention behind people-pleasing is often to maintain harmony and avoid conflict, the consequences can be detrimental. Constantly putting others first can lead to neglecting one’s own needs, resulting in stress and burnout. The pressure to meet others’ expectations can increase anxiety and diminish overall happiness. Over time, this can foster feelings of resentment as individuals feel they are always giving without receiving.
Why Do We People Please?
Several psychological factors contribute to people-pleasing behaviours:
- Fear of Rejection: Individuals believe that by making others happy, they can avoid negative outcomes like being rejected or abandoned.
- Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may seek validation from others to feel worthy and valued.
- Anxiety: Anxiety can prompt people to please others as a way to reduce their own stress and worry about potential conflicts or disapproval.
- Past Trauma: Experiences of trauma, especially in childhood, can lead to people-pleasing behaviours as a survival mechanism to avoid further emotional pain.
- Cultural or Family Expectations: Some grow up in environments where they are taught to prioritize others’ (or the communities) needs over their own.
Overcoming People-Pleasing
Understanding the underlying causes of people-pleasing is the first step toward addressing and overcoming these behaviours. Here are three other tips to help:
- Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” and set clear boundaries. Begin by saying “no” to small requests to build confidence and make it easier to handle bigger requests.
- Build Self-Confidence: Focus on your strengths and achievements to reduce the need for external validation.
- Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your people-pleasing tendencies for support and perspective.
Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own needs. Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person; it simply means you’re taking care of yourself.